Burning out

It’s been a long year and it’s the final countdown. Dissertation work began no more than 4/5 months ago and now the hand-in date is no more than a week away. I’m so tired; I can’t work on this paper anymore. I’ve reached the point where I can’t even read my previously typed out chapters anymore to edit them for the second time at least. My brain is just so tired from having read the same thing over and over again. I can’t possibly add any more data to what I have written already, if there are any grammatical errors, I can’t pick them up, my brain cells have just died. To be fair to myself all I have left to work on are the final chapters and my appendices...so much work, so tired. I just cant anymore and knowing that the amount of sweat, tears, time and effort that I’ve put into this so far isn’t going to reflect too well in the final product. All I can do is pray and hope that the people marking my work realise just how outside my element I really am. It’s not fair!

It’s my daddy’s birthday today, and it’s the first time I’m so far away from him at this time of the year. He’s getting older and reminds me so much of my grandfather. I miss my grandpa...I still cry every time I think about him. To know that my dad (both my folks) are getting older every year scares the life out of me. All I want to do today is just be home, enjoying the sunshine and watching dad braai meat out by the pool while the “women” cook in the kitchen. That’s all I want...I lie, it’s not all I want, but my ultimate wish can’t come true no matter how hard I work or how hard I cry. Just have to suck it up and deal with what’s in front of me.

Happy birthday Dada, I love you lots & lots!!!

I’m temporarily blinded by irrational tears right now, can’t believe I’m crying because I’m scared of the unknown. There, I admit that I am scared. I do get scared and I’m scared shitless right now! The weather outside is trying to be beautiful with the sun shining and all, but there’s also the presence of the huge gusts of wind that would blow past every now and then. Blows my focus onto what’s going on in New York. Generally I wouldn’t have cared much about what’s happening on that side of the world, but my bestie lives there now...so I care a lot all of a sudden. It had been t least 12 hours since I last heard or detected any news from her in the big apple. I was already set to go into a state of mild panic when a green light on facebook popped up to let me know that she was online. It’s not mush to go on, but hey it’s something right. To be honest, I have no idea what’s going on out there and the news reports on Hurricane Irene aren’t exactly setting my mind at ease with Mayor Bloomberg (whatever his name is) suffering from exhaustion and people still out watching the storm unfold outside. Not everybody gets to be a storm-chaser, stay away from the bitch! Anyway, my mate is just fine and now I need to focus on me and what I can do pull rabbits out my ass for this dissertation.

You’d still love me even if I failed right?  I’ve made it this far, but I’m tired and “even heroes know when to be scared”. 

just random thoughts to get off my chest

It’s the final month of my Masters degree, and I’m not particularly sure how I feel about it. I’m both excited that within a short space of time I will hopefully be the new owner of another degree, but that also brings me closer to packing up my bags and heading back to South Africa. I miss home, yes, but I’ve adapted to living on this side of the world already and have a really awesome group of mates. Over the couple of days I’ve developed this sense of fear that I’m going to flunk the year! What would I do if I were to fail?? Now, a lot of people have told me that that scenario is not likely to happen, but you never know. There are two sides to every coin and on of these days it will land on the opposite side and I’m just waiting for that day to come along and pray that it affect my degree in anyway. I’ve made my folks spend way too much money on this venture for it to just to end in a pool of tears.

I’m just so super scared of the unknown, its something I have no control over and maybe my best just doesn’t cut it. I’ve been receiving loads of pep messages from both family and close mates, who always say that I’ll make it and they’re proud of me, as awesome as those messages are to me it also just makes it much harder for me. Being told that you’re an inspiration and a role model for your siblings and other folk that look up to you and want to be just like you, it really is just so scary. These people really see you as being perfect and being able to do anything. Reality is that I’m the biggest loser this world has ever seen. I’m no superstar...I’m not doing the impossible; I’m just a stubborn bitch trying to get through each day without having to come to terms with my very obvious insecurities and imperfections. I don’t wish for anyone to be like me...it’s horrible. You want someone to look up to, take your pick at the people I find myself hanging out with on a daily basis both here and in SA. If your patient, my brothers are well on their way to awesomeness, look up to them and let me deal with myself before I can share myself with the rest of you. 

I guess I could comment on the London riots, but I won’t simply because I live a life in which I isolate myself from the news and focus on what I can change in the world. They say ignorance is bliss & it seems to be working for me, as pathetically blonde as that sounds. I get upset with the news because all they seem to report on is all the bad and negative in the world most of the time. I have enough to deal with on a daily basis and wished that the rest of the world and a couple people I know would just get over themselves and bloody well live!