Almost there!!!

I’m almost there, so close to the end!! I can’t wait to be done with this and take a long ass break from academia, maybe start doing other stuff that I love such as...such as...wait, I know there’s something I love other than human remains and archaeology. A good five plus years of my life have been spent with all my energies focus on archaeology. It’s not a bad thing, but it’s now time to either start taking it super “Nigey” or focus on other things in my life. I love fashion, but can’t dress myself for shit. I’m always the chick the corner who’s dressed like a boy or a bag-lady. I like art, but I can’t even draw a straight line. There’s photography and modelling, but alas imp no good or just too fat to get into either. Ah well, something is bound to come up with all the spare time I’m going to have to myself from September onwards. Bits of travelling and volunteer work maybe? I could try being a mom, that’s something I’ve always told myself I would suck at, but a part of me really wants to try it out. I took care of Kiva pretty well, and David was doing fine until Nicolas drove over him = (. I’ll start over with another plant and we can take it from there.

I have mixed emotions about leaving York already, took them long enough to get here!  I’m so psyched about wrapping up this degree so that I can go home and see my family again. Lounging out in the folk’s bedroom sprawled on the floor watching the telly and just teasing everyone about something or other. Watching cartoons until really late with my baby bro, who at times often tells me to grow up. Hanging out with my superstar bro and often wondering what is going on inside his head...all these little things I miss to much. Then there are the few mates that I still have, miss them loads too, especially now with this whole dissertation crap. Coffee, wine, random moments and awesome mates had become my staples. Whilst longing to go back home, I’m also sad to be leaving the mates and the familiar surroundings here in York. Gyaaa, it’s taken so long to get to this point and when I’m finally here, I have to leave. Well, I suppose I could just stay on and get a job here, but nothing is finalized yet and I really do want to go home for a bit. There are some things I would like to get sorted out first before I head off again into to other corner of the globe. A couple of things i will be happy to be rid of once this is all over, is that I won’t have to work with some people ever again or at least for a long time. Don’t get me wrong, they really are nice people, but we just can’t work together. I have my way and they have theirs; tried to make it work, but it hasn’t and they just don’t seem to want to try things my way. So...goodbye to you, rather catch at the pub rather than the workplace. My collection of stalkers should disappear too! Thought it would be fun and a compliment to have a bunch of people after your ass 24/7, but its not, its freaky that’s what it is!!! I wont have to look over my shoulder anymore to see who’s following me, or take new routes to get to my house =) over with!!!! Later bitches!!!

Going to get me a proper manfriend, on the topic, my mum seems to have found me a manfriend! Don’t know what to think of that just yet, clearly she wants her grandbabies. Well, not from my vagina, and no mom, I don’t want a baby sister!!!!!

That awkward moment you realize you’re an idiot

I’m so tired...my soul is so tired...I want this degree so bad and I want to do well too. I just can’t get anything done right. Everything I seem to do isn’t right or not good enough. I spend hours everyday reading books and writing a few hundred words just so you can read it and let me know what you think, where I’m going wrong...you know the normal stuff that helps you grow as an academic. Sure, they’ll rip my work to shreds with their razor sharp tongues (or fingers in this case), but you know what, at least then I will know that some time was taken out of their day to actually stick their heads out of each others asses and wonder how I’m getting on!!

Wow, that was a super long sentence...

To say I’m pissed off is an understatement; actually it’s not true at all. I’m just curious so know what it is that I’m fucking up on?? I follow everything, well whatever I can remember, to the letter how can I be doing it wrong?? And when I send you work, I expect you to read it and then leave comments!!! I’m not asking for the world now am I! Shit, Mary mother of...sorry, that was just another explosion of my pent up anger. I’m just a retard when it comes to science. This statement would have bothered me so much before, but now...I’m actually glad that I’m a retard as far as science goes because you know what, it’s all bullshit! It’s all just a bunch of douche-bags (with the one nice guy in the group) who think they all that and a bag of chips, sitting in their little ivory towers mixing and extracting shit that nobody really cares about. If I had to choose between religion and science, I would always choose religion. No question about it!! I’m sorry the answer you seek does not lie within an eppendorf tube or through the lens of a microscope, as cool as all those things may be, but the answer is out there in the field. Get the fuck out and live/experience the life of those you study, if not, then let me do shit my way. I won’t fuck it up; I swear.

I’m sorry...I’m sorry you had to read this, but I just feel like absolute shit today and want my besties to be with me and tell me that it will be fine. I want to go to a pub quiz and win the beer round, and have pub-lunch-Friday even though we just started the week. I want to smile, laugh and talk about manfriends and potential love interests. Don’t want to be the miserable old sod that I’ve become anymore.

It will all be over soon...2 months from now I’ll be liberated and Callisto will move on from York and start a new adventure elsewhere =)  

Freak on a Leash

Life can’t always be perfect now can it...pity, because I would give anything to smile and laugh again tonight. Ever since my messed up date night and criteria of freaks that I seem to have collected; I’ve been stuck in this runt.

My chest still hurts, but thanks to Stevie B, that’s the only thing that hurts =). Got into a fight with my mum this morning & I really and honestly didn’t do anything to start it. I know she’s not feeling well amongst other things on her shoulders, but I’m so sore and tired right now. I can’t deal with anything at the moment, my dissertation just keeps taunting me and no matter how hard I work, it’s just not good enough. My old mates, who know how to make me feel so much better, effortlessly, are so far away. I talk to them everyday, but I just don’t feel them. I’ve got new mates here in this part of the world that are just so rad it’s going to hurt so much when we all go our separate ways. The time we have is just not enough, it’s never enough!

So to make myself feel better, the only way I know how I pasted myself with make-up and let the camera lens reveal to me who I was. I often see myself as this subtle rebel, going against the current, striving to be different, loved and most importantly hardcore. However, that is not what I saw in the photos, not at all. Despite the make-up and jacket, my insecurities came to the surface. It took so many frames to get the perfect shot. My face and eyes were not as hard as they were meant to be; they had become soft and fragile.  

Underneath all of this, I am soft and fragile. Sometimes my heart will be crying in a middle of a smile. Been racing for years and still there is no finish line...but you know what...I’m a rock star! All my brain needs is three days for it to turn this upside down world the right way up again. Then you need to decide whether we’re mates, more than that or nothing at all because I can’t burn this bridge on my own.

Catch Alight...