just random thoughts to get off my chest

It’s the final month of my Masters degree, and I’m not particularly sure how I feel about it. I’m both excited that within a short space of time I will hopefully be the new owner of another degree, but that also brings me closer to packing up my bags and heading back to South Africa. I miss home, yes, but I’ve adapted to living on this side of the world already and have a really awesome group of mates. Over the couple of days I’ve developed this sense of fear that I’m going to flunk the year! What would I do if I were to fail?? Now, a lot of people have told me that that scenario is not likely to happen, but you never know. There are two sides to every coin and on of these days it will land on the opposite side and I’m just waiting for that day to come along and pray that it affect my degree in anyway. I’ve made my folks spend way too much money on this venture for it to just to end in a pool of tears.

I’m just so super scared of the unknown, its something I have no control over and maybe my best just doesn’t cut it. I’ve been receiving loads of pep messages from both family and close mates, who always say that I’ll make it and they’re proud of me, as awesome as those messages are to me it also just makes it much harder for me. Being told that you’re an inspiration and a role model for your siblings and other folk that look up to you and want to be just like you, it really is just so scary. These people really see you as being perfect and being able to do anything. Reality is that I’m the biggest loser this world has ever seen. I’m no superstar...I’m not doing the impossible; I’m just a stubborn bitch trying to get through each day without having to come to terms with my very obvious insecurities and imperfections. I don’t wish for anyone to be like me...it’s horrible. You want someone to look up to, take your pick at the people I find myself hanging out with on a daily basis both here and in SA. If your patient, my brothers are well on their way to awesomeness, look up to them and let me deal with myself before I can share myself with the rest of you. 

I guess I could comment on the London riots, but I won’t simply because I live a life in which I isolate myself from the news and focus on what I can change in the world. They say ignorance is bliss & it seems to be working for me, as pathetically blonde as that sounds. I get upset with the news because all they seem to report on is all the bad and negative in the world most of the time. I have enough to deal with on a daily basis and wished that the rest of the world and a couple people I know would just get over themselves and bloody well live! 

Almost there!!!

I’m almost there, so close to the end!! I can’t wait to be done with this and take a long ass break from academia, maybe start doing other stuff that I love such as...such as...wait, I know there’s something I love other than human remains and archaeology. A good five plus years of my life have been spent with all my energies focus on archaeology. It’s not a bad thing, but it’s now time to either start taking it super “Nigey” or focus on other things in my life. I love fashion, but can’t dress myself for shit. I’m always the chick the corner who’s dressed like a boy or a bag-lady. I like art, but I can’t even draw a straight line. There’s photography and modelling, but alas imp no good or just too fat to get into either. Ah well, something is bound to come up with all the spare time I’m going to have to myself from September onwards. Bits of travelling and volunteer work maybe? I could try being a mom, that’s something I’ve always told myself I would suck at, but a part of me really wants to try it out. I took care of Kiva pretty well, and David was doing fine until Nicolas drove over him = (. I’ll start over with another plant and we can take it from there.

I have mixed emotions about leaving York already, took them long enough to get here!  I’m so psyched about wrapping up this degree so that I can go home and see my family again. Lounging out in the folk’s bedroom sprawled on the floor watching the telly and just teasing everyone about something or other. Watching cartoons until really late with my baby bro, who at times often tells me to grow up. Hanging out with my superstar bro and often wondering what is going on inside his head...all these little things I miss to much. Then there are the few mates that I still have, miss them loads too, especially now with this whole dissertation crap. Coffee, wine, random moments and awesome mates had become my staples. Whilst longing to go back home, I’m also sad to be leaving the mates and the familiar surroundings here in York. Gyaaa, it’s taken so long to get to this point and when I’m finally here, I have to leave. Well, I suppose I could just stay on and get a job here, but nothing is finalized yet and I really do want to go home for a bit. There are some things I would like to get sorted out first before I head off again into to other corner of the globe. A couple of things i will be happy to be rid of once this is all over, is that I won’t have to work with some people ever again or at least for a long time. Don’t get me wrong, they really are nice people, but we just can’t work together. I have my way and they have theirs; tried to make it work, but it hasn’t and they just don’t seem to want to try things my way. So...goodbye to you, rather catch at the pub rather than the workplace. My collection of stalkers should disappear too! Thought it would be fun and a compliment to have a bunch of people after your ass 24/7, but its not, its freaky that’s what it is!!! I wont have to look over my shoulder anymore to see who’s following me, or take new routes to get to my house =) over with!!!! Later bitches!!!

Going to get me a proper manfriend, on the topic, my mum seems to have found me a manfriend! Don’t know what to think of that just yet, clearly she wants her grandbabies. Well, not from my vagina, and no mom, I don’t want a baby sister!!!!!

That awkward moment you realize you’re an idiot

I’m so tired...my soul is so tired...I want this degree so bad and I want to do well too. I just can’t get anything done right. Everything I seem to do isn’t right or not good enough. I spend hours everyday reading books and writing a few hundred words just so you can read it and let me know what you think, where I’m going wrong...you know the normal stuff that helps you grow as an academic. Sure, they’ll rip my work to shreds with their razor sharp tongues (or fingers in this case), but you know what, at least then I will know that some time was taken out of their day to actually stick their heads out of each others asses and wonder how I’m getting on!!

Wow, that was a super long sentence...

To say I’m pissed off is an understatement; actually it’s not true at all. I’m just curious so know what it is that I’m fucking up on?? I follow everything, well whatever I can remember, to the letter how can I be doing it wrong?? And when I send you work, I expect you to read it and then leave comments!!! I’m not asking for the world now am I! Shit, Mary mother of...sorry, that was just another explosion of my pent up anger. I’m just a retard when it comes to science. This statement would have bothered me so much before, but now...I’m actually glad that I’m a retard as far as science goes because you know what, it’s all bullshit! It’s all just a bunch of douche-bags (with the one nice guy in the group) who think they all that and a bag of chips, sitting in their little ivory towers mixing and extracting shit that nobody really cares about. If I had to choose between religion and science, I would always choose religion. No question about it!! I’m sorry the answer you seek does not lie within an eppendorf tube or through the lens of a microscope, as cool as all those things may be, but the answer is out there in the field. Get the fuck out and live/experience the life of those you study, if not, then let me do shit my way. I won’t fuck it up; I swear.

I’m sorry...I’m sorry you had to read this, but I just feel like absolute shit today and want my besties to be with me and tell me that it will be fine. I want to go to a pub quiz and win the beer round, and have pub-lunch-Friday even though we just started the week. I want to smile, laugh and talk about manfriends and potential love interests. Don’t want to be the miserable old sod that I’ve become anymore.

It will all be over soon...2 months from now I’ll be liberated and Callisto will move on from York and start a new adventure elsewhere =)  

Freak on a Leash

Life can’t always be perfect now can it...pity, because I would give anything to smile and laugh again tonight. Ever since my messed up date night and criteria of freaks that I seem to have collected; I’ve been stuck in this runt.

My chest still hurts, but thanks to Stevie B, that’s the only thing that hurts =). Got into a fight with my mum this morning & I really and honestly didn’t do anything to start it. I know she’s not feeling well amongst other things on her shoulders, but I’m so sore and tired right now. I can’t deal with anything at the moment, my dissertation just keeps taunting me and no matter how hard I work, it’s just not good enough. My old mates, who know how to make me feel so much better, effortlessly, are so far away. I talk to them everyday, but I just don’t feel them. I’ve got new mates here in this part of the world that are just so rad it’s going to hurt so much when we all go our separate ways. The time we have is just not enough, it’s never enough!

So to make myself feel better, the only way I know how I pasted myself with make-up and let the camera lens reveal to me who I was. I often see myself as this subtle rebel, going against the current, striving to be different, loved and most importantly hardcore. However, that is not what I saw in the photos, not at all. Despite the make-up and jacket, my insecurities came to the surface. It took so many frames to get the perfect shot. My face and eyes were not as hard as they were meant to be; they had become soft and fragile.  

Underneath all of this, I am soft and fragile. Sometimes my heart will be crying in a middle of a smile. Been racing for years and still there is no finish line...but you know what...I’m a rock star! All my brain needs is three days for it to turn this upside down world the right way up again. Then you need to decide whether we’re mates, more than that or nothing at all because I can’t burn this bridge on my own.

Catch Alight...

Dissertation adventures: building the reference collection

Burning bridges

How complicated can one’s life get when it comes to matters of the heart or lack there of? It’s never really been an easy road for me to when it comes to boyfriends and those feelings that make you all loopy and warm inside. My first official boyfriend was a complete asshole jock and we broke up at least twice within a year! I cant even remember why I dated him in the first place...anyway it did give my popularity a bit of a boost with him being a senior and the school jock n all. The one good thing that ever came from that relationship were the new mates I got to make, including one with the most cutest guy I had ever seen in my life at that point. I’ll refer to him as “Tom”. It’s funny because he and the jock ex-boyfriend weren’t even mates, not at all! Anyway that’s not the point, the point is that through all the shit times I was going through there was always that one beautiful person that would just make my day by just sitting next to me. We ended up kissing in the kitchen the one time and he asked me out after that, but stupid me, I was still with that jerk. Tom was so sweet and so amazing he was willing to wait for me to realise what was right for me, but the universe had plans of its own, and so Tom and I went our separate ways. We kept in contact with each other for some time after that, I loved every second of it and would blush at the beep of his text. Then the day came for me to burn the crumbling bridge that we had built together. It was clear to the both of us that we were no more than long-distance romantics trying to make the impossible work...I cried for a long time, but I never forgot Tom.

A couple of months after Tom, I was fortunate to meet a few more guys that I held dear to my heart and became my best mates. I started to see the world (girls) through the eyes of males. I had my cuddly teddy bear, sporty restaurant (if you can call it that) manager, and even a younger blonde blue/green eyed rascal to keep me company. The next highlight of my life came in the form of a foreign soul whose family name means “entertain” =). We met through his mother, whom I loved and still do as my own. It was all just such a cute game, I would blush, he would blush, awkward smiley moments hanging in time and space. I got along with his brothers, especially his younger brother. My girl mate and I were over at their flat almost every single day and I would always make that extra effort to be more social & chatty. Gyaaa, he was amazing and still is...

Then Varsity happened & “entertain” was still my number one guy, it didn’t last very long though =(. Had a couple flings here and there, grew more confident in my sexuality and started dating my best friend at the time. All I can say about that relationship was that it really shouldn’t have happened in the first place as I was dealing with a very painful loss. The relationship was no good for me and it hurt, both physically and emotionally. So, I ended it, bridge up in flames...few years later I hook up with another mate...why do I keep doing that?? It didn’t work out and you could say I burnt that bridge really fast. Before I knew it, another had wormed his way into my heart without me even realising it. I didn’t expect it at all; in fact I’ve only acknowledged it in the past year. I swear it was both the best and worst thing to happen to me in my entire state of existence.

I love you, but I’m not the only girl to do so...in order for me to keep friendships in check including my own sanity, I moved halfway across the world to forget about you and focus on my career. I don’t regret this move for one second. What I do regret, is still feeling like a little girl every time a text from you would come through or being concerned about your well-being when your name is mentioned. You’re living your rock star life at the moment; new faces, new places, and I foresee new spaces...I couldn’t possibly fit in it. I need to burn this bridge now and see what else the world has to offer. I hope to God it won’t involve really old men and lesbian stalkers!! Indian dude...I doubt it, but hey it’s only a start right? I secretly wish this bridge to be made of some underlying steel or copper hiding underneath a wooden structure, because I value our friendship, even though you don’t share a lot with me.

I’m a loser I know, shoot me =P 

Rummaging through the Library

About 2 weeks ago i made the library my bitch, i was in it almost every single day searching for something to inspire me. PhD thoughts running wild in my head, dissertation obligations tapping at my shoulder... at this point i was looking for anything and everything.

By complete accident, or so i would like to think, i came across the South African bookshelf. Not much to look through, but hey at least we made it into the shelf! Anyway, there were loads of books on the Mandela biography, Mbeki, and then right next to it was a biography on Zuma. JZ has made it to the major leagues! Some poor soul decided that he’s going to write a book on dearest president JZ with chapter titles such as; Zulu boy, the Zuma tsunami, let’s kill all the lawyers, and let’s fire Mbeki instead. Those are just a few of the chapters that i could remember from scanning the book in the midst of my cloudy mind. Must say it looks like an interesting and entertaining read, maybe if i was actually interested in politics i would check the book out.

 To be honest, that would be a cold day in hell & i will be willing to have a soccer teams worth of kids, before i get myself to read anything on politicians or any other big head at the top of the food chain.