The end of the line...

The journey to get here started with one and so it has to end with only one yet again.

Just last week I handed in the final version of my MSc thesis and by the good grace of God, I finally made it to the end. The end of the most challenging, eye-opening and exciting year of my life. So, what have I learned this year?

·         Well, that I can be alone & survive it all (not that I would do it again in a hurry)

·         Even though my family annoys the crap out of me, I miss them to bits

·         Your true friends are the ones that are there despite the distant. I mean with some of my mates back home, I forget that we’re 12 hours apart from each other. Yes, not everyone is good at keeping contact, but there is that fine line that separates you from being an acquaintance, a mate, a bestie, and a soul-mate. That reminds me; I had my fortune read by a woman I met before moving out to York. Totally random as I was just picking up my Dad’s dry cleaning for him when she just took my hand looked at me and said that in my new adventure I would find my soul-mate. Your soul-mate isn’t necessarily your partner, but could be a friend you just realised you can’t live without. There has been one that I could never stop thinking about no matter how hard I tried to move on from the poor basis of a friendship we had. I still can’t get over it and figure we were never really friends to start out with, just two people looking for someone to fill the void but caught in the friendship entrapment.

·         Making new friends may not be easy, but it sure as hell so much fun when a good thing is going

·         I hate people who just won’t see my point of view. You don’t have to accept it, just hear me out

·         I need a break from academia & enter the real world of a 09:00 – 17:00 job, rent, and bills to pay...not fun!

·         Far too young and restless to slow down and settle. A manfriend who can live out my adventurous lifestyle with me would be welcomed.

·         On the topic of manfriends, I suck at picking out the right one. My entire selection just ends up in a train wreck.

·         Just one step closer to fulfilling my life’s dream with the ultimate career and getting there is much harder than I thought it would be. No pressure, no diamonds...

Can’t believe an entire year has passed already, but we (bioarch’s & Stacie) made it to the very end. What now?? Guess we just take over the world with our nerdiness, one small county, state, country, and continent at a time. To the new Cool Kid’s Club: English Version =)

Dare You to Move -Vitamin String Quartet playing in my head =)

Somebody Help Me

Can somebody help me?

Being haunted by a whisper, a chill comes over me

I’ve been trapped inside this moment. I‘m not a victim, I’m not a freak

Free me, before I slip away

Heal me, wake me from this day

Can somebody help me? Somebody help me

I’ve seen the face of my affliction, of my reality

I’m being tortured by the future, of things yet to be

I’m being haunted by a vision, it’s like the moment never comes

I feel the burden of confusion. Always searching on the run

Free me, before I slip away

Heal me, wake me from this day

Can somebody help me? Somebody help me

Now I’m not a hero, no

But the weight of the world’s on my soul

These images burn in my eyes. They’re burning me up inside

Free me, before I slip away

Heal me, wake me from this day

Can somebody help me? Somebody help me

-Full Blown Rose

Burning out

It’s been a long year and it’s the final countdown. Dissertation work began no more than 4/5 months ago and now the hand-in date is no more than a week away. I’m so tired; I can’t work on this paper anymore. I’ve reached the point where I can’t even read my previously typed out chapters anymore to edit them for the second time at least. My brain is just so tired from having read the same thing over and over again. I can’t possibly add any more data to what I have written already, if there are any grammatical errors, I can’t pick them up, my brain cells have just died. To be fair to myself all I have left to work on are the final chapters and my appendices...so much work, so tired. I just cant anymore and knowing that the amount of sweat, tears, time and effort that I’ve put into this so far isn’t going to reflect too well in the final product. All I can do is pray and hope that the people marking my work realise just how outside my element I really am. It’s not fair!

It’s my daddy’s birthday today, and it’s the first time I’m so far away from him at this time of the year. He’s getting older and reminds me so much of my grandfather. I miss my grandpa...I still cry every time I think about him. To know that my dad (both my folks) are getting older every year scares the life out of me. All I want to do today is just be home, enjoying the sunshine and watching dad braai meat out by the pool while the “women” cook in the kitchen. That’s all I want...I lie, it’s not all I want, but my ultimate wish can’t come true no matter how hard I work or how hard I cry. Just have to suck it up and deal with what’s in front of me.

Happy birthday Dada, I love you lots & lots!!!

I’m temporarily blinded by irrational tears right now, can’t believe I’m crying because I’m scared of the unknown. There, I admit that I am scared. I do get scared and I’m scared shitless right now! The weather outside is trying to be beautiful with the sun shining and all, but there’s also the presence of the huge gusts of wind that would blow past every now and then. Blows my focus onto what’s going on in New York. Generally I wouldn’t have cared much about what’s happening on that side of the world, but my bestie lives there now...so I care a lot all of a sudden. It had been t least 12 hours since I last heard or detected any news from her in the big apple. I was already set to go into a state of mild panic when a green light on facebook popped up to let me know that she was online. It’s not mush to go on, but hey it’s something right. To be honest, I have no idea what’s going on out there and the news reports on Hurricane Irene aren’t exactly setting my mind at ease with Mayor Bloomberg (whatever his name is) suffering from exhaustion and people still out watching the storm unfold outside. Not everybody gets to be a storm-chaser, stay away from the bitch! Anyway, my mate is just fine and now I need to focus on me and what I can do pull rabbits out my ass for this dissertation.

You’d still love me even if I failed right?  I’ve made it this far, but I’m tired and “even heroes know when to be scared”. 

just random thoughts to get off my chest

It’s the final month of my Masters degree, and I’m not particularly sure how I feel about it. I’m both excited that within a short space of time I will hopefully be the new owner of another degree, but that also brings me closer to packing up my bags and heading back to South Africa. I miss home, yes, but I’ve adapted to living on this side of the world already and have a really awesome group of mates. Over the couple of days I’ve developed this sense of fear that I’m going to flunk the year! What would I do if I were to fail?? Now, a lot of people have told me that that scenario is not likely to happen, but you never know. There are two sides to every coin and on of these days it will land on the opposite side and I’m just waiting for that day to come along and pray that it affect my degree in anyway. I’ve made my folks spend way too much money on this venture for it to just to end in a pool of tears.

I’m just so super scared of the unknown, its something I have no control over and maybe my best just doesn’t cut it. I’ve been receiving loads of pep messages from both family and close mates, who always say that I’ll make it and they’re proud of me, as awesome as those messages are to me it also just makes it much harder for me. Being told that you’re an inspiration and a role model for your siblings and other folk that look up to you and want to be just like you, it really is just so scary. These people really see you as being perfect and being able to do anything. Reality is that I’m the biggest loser this world has ever seen. I’m no superstar...I’m not doing the impossible; I’m just a stubborn bitch trying to get through each day without having to come to terms with my very obvious insecurities and imperfections. I don’t wish for anyone to be like me...it’s horrible. You want someone to look up to, take your pick at the people I find myself hanging out with on a daily basis both here and in SA. If your patient, my brothers are well on their way to awesomeness, look up to them and let me deal with myself before I can share myself with the rest of you. 

I guess I could comment on the London riots, but I won’t simply because I live a life in which I isolate myself from the news and focus on what I can change in the world. They say ignorance is bliss & it seems to be working for me, as pathetically blonde as that sounds. I get upset with the news because all they seem to report on is all the bad and negative in the world most of the time. I have enough to deal with on a daily basis and wished that the rest of the world and a couple people I know would just get over themselves and bloody well live! 

Almost there!!!

I’m almost there, so close to the end!! I can’t wait to be done with this and take a long ass break from academia, maybe start doing other stuff that I love such as...such as...wait, I know there’s something I love other than human remains and archaeology. A good five plus years of my life have been spent with all my energies focus on archaeology. It’s not a bad thing, but it’s now time to either start taking it super “Nigey” or focus on other things in my life. I love fashion, but can’t dress myself for shit. I’m always the chick the corner who’s dressed like a boy or a bag-lady. I like art, but I can’t even draw a straight line. There’s photography and modelling, but alas imp no good or just too fat to get into either. Ah well, something is bound to come up with all the spare time I’m going to have to myself from September onwards. Bits of travelling and volunteer work maybe? I could try being a mom, that’s something I’ve always told myself I would suck at, but a part of me really wants to try it out. I took care of Kiva pretty well, and David was doing fine until Nicolas drove over him = (. I’ll start over with another plant and we can take it from there.

I have mixed emotions about leaving York already, took them long enough to get here!  I’m so psyched about wrapping up this degree so that I can go home and see my family again. Lounging out in the folk’s bedroom sprawled on the floor watching the telly and just teasing everyone about something or other. Watching cartoons until really late with my baby bro, who at times often tells me to grow up. Hanging out with my superstar bro and often wondering what is going on inside his head...all these little things I miss to much. Then there are the few mates that I still have, miss them loads too, especially now with this whole dissertation crap. Coffee, wine, random moments and awesome mates had become my staples. Whilst longing to go back home, I’m also sad to be leaving the mates and the familiar surroundings here in York. Gyaaa, it’s taken so long to get to this point and when I’m finally here, I have to leave. Well, I suppose I could just stay on and get a job here, but nothing is finalized yet and I really do want to go home for a bit. There are some things I would like to get sorted out first before I head off again into to other corner of the globe. A couple of things i will be happy to be rid of once this is all over, is that I won’t have to work with some people ever again or at least for a long time. Don’t get me wrong, they really are nice people, but we just can’t work together. I have my way and they have theirs; tried to make it work, but it hasn’t and they just don’t seem to want to try things my way. So...goodbye to you, rather catch at the pub rather than the workplace. My collection of stalkers should disappear too! Thought it would be fun and a compliment to have a bunch of people after your ass 24/7, but its not, its freaky that’s what it is!!! I wont have to look over my shoulder anymore to see who’s following me, or take new routes to get to my house =) over with!!!! Later bitches!!!

Going to get me a proper manfriend, on the topic, my mum seems to have found me a manfriend! Don’t know what to think of that just yet, clearly she wants her grandbabies. Well, not from my vagina, and no mom, I don’t want a baby sister!!!!!

That awkward moment you realize you’re an idiot

I’m so tired...my soul is so tired...I want this degree so bad and I want to do well too. I just can’t get anything done right. Everything I seem to do isn’t right or not good enough. I spend hours everyday reading books and writing a few hundred words just so you can read it and let me know what you think, where I’m going wrong...you know the normal stuff that helps you grow as an academic. Sure, they’ll rip my work to shreds with their razor sharp tongues (or fingers in this case), but you know what, at least then I will know that some time was taken out of their day to actually stick their heads out of each others asses and wonder how I’m getting on!!

Wow, that was a super long sentence...

To say I’m pissed off is an understatement; actually it’s not true at all. I’m just curious so know what it is that I’m fucking up on?? I follow everything, well whatever I can remember, to the letter how can I be doing it wrong?? And when I send you work, I expect you to read it and then leave comments!!! I’m not asking for the world now am I! Shit, Mary mother of...sorry, that was just another explosion of my pent up anger. I’m just a retard when it comes to science. This statement would have bothered me so much before, but now...I’m actually glad that I’m a retard as far as science goes because you know what, it’s all bullshit! It’s all just a bunch of douche-bags (with the one nice guy in the group) who think they all that and a bag of chips, sitting in their little ivory towers mixing and extracting shit that nobody really cares about. If I had to choose between religion and science, I would always choose religion. No question about it!! I’m sorry the answer you seek does not lie within an eppendorf tube or through the lens of a microscope, as cool as all those things may be, but the answer is out there in the field. Get the fuck out and live/experience the life of those you study, if not, then let me do shit my way. I won’t fuck it up; I swear.

I’m sorry...I’m sorry you had to read this, but I just feel like absolute shit today and want my besties to be with me and tell me that it will be fine. I want to go to a pub quiz and win the beer round, and have pub-lunch-Friday even though we just started the week. I want to smile, laugh and talk about manfriends and potential love interests. Don’t want to be the miserable old sod that I’ve become anymore.

It will all be over soon...2 months from now I’ll be liberated and Callisto will move on from York and start a new adventure elsewhere =)  

Freak on a Leash

Life can’t always be perfect now can it...pity, because I would give anything to smile and laugh again tonight. Ever since my messed up date night and criteria of freaks that I seem to have collected; I’ve been stuck in this runt.

My chest still hurts, but thanks to Stevie B, that’s the only thing that hurts =). Got into a fight with my mum this morning & I really and honestly didn’t do anything to start it. I know she’s not feeling well amongst other things on her shoulders, but I’m so sore and tired right now. I can’t deal with anything at the moment, my dissertation just keeps taunting me and no matter how hard I work, it’s just not good enough. My old mates, who know how to make me feel so much better, effortlessly, are so far away. I talk to them everyday, but I just don’t feel them. I’ve got new mates here in this part of the world that are just so rad it’s going to hurt so much when we all go our separate ways. The time we have is just not enough, it’s never enough!

So to make myself feel better, the only way I know how I pasted myself with make-up and let the camera lens reveal to me who I was. I often see myself as this subtle rebel, going against the current, striving to be different, loved and most importantly hardcore. However, that is not what I saw in the photos, not at all. Despite the make-up and jacket, my insecurities came to the surface. It took so many frames to get the perfect shot. My face and eyes were not as hard as they were meant to be; they had become soft and fragile.  

Underneath all of this, I am soft and fragile. Sometimes my heart will be crying in a middle of a smile. Been racing for years and still there is no finish line...but you know what...I’m a rock star! All my brain needs is three days for it to turn this upside down world the right way up again. Then you need to decide whether we’re mates, more than that or nothing at all because I can’t burn this bridge on my own.

Catch Alight...